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Inside Track With Grace Mtandwa: Men will go and come back: Take a stand

We buy a particular brand of soap or butter because someone says it is the best. We drink a particular fruit juice because yet another person swears it has proven health enhancement benefits.

We seek belonging and acceptance even in small things. When it gets to the bigger bits of our lives we struggle to make decisions. We look for people to buy into our way of thinking. We look for people to draw courage from.


The reality on the ground is that when you do make a life-changing decision those people who might have stood by you might suddenly desert you. Decisions have consequences and not many people are willing to hang around while you deal with attendant results.

It seems consequences are easier on men. They can decide to divorce and fool around for some months or even years and then decide they made a mistake. The man can walk back to his ex-wife and plead his case for reconciliation. Everyone around the man will applaud him for coming to his senses. They will expect the wife to be angry but be reasonable enough to see the bigger picture.

A sister in her 30s divorced four years ago. The husband moved out and filed for divorce. She tried to convince him that they seek marital counselling but he refused. There was no offspring from the failed marriage.

The sister said they had terrible rows over money and infidelity. He had also accused her of being barren. She tells me she was on a long-term contraceptive method because she was uncertain about having a child with her husband. After only a year of marriage she decided to withhold child-bearing rights from the man. He was of course unaware of this treacherous behaviour.

Now the man has come back bearing gifts and speaking reconciliation. He has told her he has seen the errors of his ways and would like to make it up to her. Over the past month she has been wined and dined by her ex-husband.

She says she does not want him anymore but is exacting her own form of revenge. He has spent a pretty penny buying her expensive jewelry and she will only dine with him if she gets to choose the restaurant and he has to fork out money for attractive evening wear. The brother must be desperate. He has done all this and more.

What the sister has not told the ex-husband is that she has moved on and is in a serious relationship. The object of her current interest is away on some research programme. She has not started showing but she is three months pregnant, courtesy of the new man.


While this circus is going on, the young woman’s sisters are trying to help their former brother-in-law win back his woman. The sisters are not aware of the pregnancy. They do not like the new man in their baby sister’s life and are determined to wreck the relationship.

I said earlier that decisions have consequences. Some element of regret and doubt are beginning to creep into the young woman’s mind. She says she might be with someone now and carrying his baby but she has residual feelings for her ex. This can only end in tears.

On their most recent dinner outing they enjoyed each other’s company so much they ended up at the guy’s bachelor pad and their bodies sang in sync. She is now keeping her options open. She has considered breaking it off completely with the ex. But she is also thinking of reconciling with the man and telling him he is going to be a father, which will probably make the silly man very happy.

Break ups can do all sorts of things to people. Some go mad and others work hard to put their lives back on track. This sister is stark raving mad.


I would like to feel sorry for the ex-husband but I don’t. Why is it the responsibility of women to forgive and forget?

Why do men have the right to wander off and come back when they realise that the grass is only greener under the septic tank?

What is wrong with the way some men are wired? Why do they need to have a string of flings before they can appreciate the woman they married?
Why is it okay for a man to leave his wife, shack up with someone else and then waltz back and claim that they have seen the light?

How would you guys feel if we went out with other men just to erase any doubts we might have about choosing you in the first place ensure?
Why do you need to cheat to know that the person you chose first was the right person anyway?

Is there a disorder or deficiency in some of our men that needs to be fixed?

If you must, do your test drives before you make a commitment. You should not marry in haste and repent at leisure. Decisions have consequences and some of them are quite nasty. It is important to marry when you are certain you have found the one.

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