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Gifts to consider this Christmas

This year I deliberately decided to give you my suggestions of possible Christmas presents late because I do not want you to over think getting any of the things I am going to suggest.

Opinion by Grace Mutandwa

Some are outright bizarre and others are almost normal, depending of course on your state of mind.

Boys, if you want to spice up your life in the bedroom next year, I suggest you give your women the gift that keeps on giving — a year’s subscription of Women’s Health or the Fifty Shades of Grey trilogy. Women’s Health promotes reproductive and general good health, exercises that are guaranteed to enrich your sexual life and ideas on how to keep it fresh in the bedroom.

Fifty Shades of Grey and its sequels, Fifty Shades Darker and Fifty Shades Freed are books that will either disgust you or totally thrill and stimulate bits of you that you never knew existed. It is a trilogy of erotic madness that will certainly possess you and stay with you forever. Believe me, if your woman reads those three books her life will never be the same again. Boys your lives too might change and you might both find yourselves trying things you never dreamt existed.

Boys, please do not be tempted to wait for the Fifty Shades of Grey movie, currently in production because far from making your women erotic lunatics in the bedroom, the movie is likely to encourage them to run for the hills.

Believe me, it is better and more erotic to read about bondage and the relationship between control, being submissive, pain and sexual ecstacy than to watch a film about it— it’s something I cannot explain— but I just know that reading about Sado-Masochism (S&M) and bondage somehow stirs some weirdly good sexual feelings than watching it played out on film. Again, buying your women that trilogy is not just a gift to them but a gift to yourself too — it teaches you to share.

Harvey book attempts to explain ‘difficult men’
I do not judge. There is a whole population of women out there who have suddenly developed an appetite for a stroke of the whip and find being handcuffed or chained to inanimate objects sexually stimulating, who am I to stand in their way? You might think you are not into S&M but like the woman in Fifty Shades of Grey, you might discover that you were simply not aware of just how much you would enjoy it when introduced to it.

Now girls, you might want to buy your girlfriends some reading material for Christmas as well. I know many feminists have slated American comedian and author Steve Harvey for his book; Act Like A Lady, Think Like A Man, but girls before you all get your panties in knots, give the man a chance. I have both the book and film and I am an objective woman so I will encourage you to buy that book or the movie and get with the game. In love and war it is vital to know your enemy.

Harvey in my view is doing many women who cannot “read” men a great service. He shares some secrets about unravelling those boys you think are tough to understand, are mummy’s boys or suffer from commitment phobia. Actually, in many ways I agree with Harvey that we possess the one precious thing men would die for and if we give it up easily sometimes we do not get the ring — the free milk and cows thing! I agree too that women just do not know how powerful they are. You can get any man you want if you put your mind to it and you can get married if you really want to.

Now for the boringly normal — well if you are going to be stuffy again this year, by all means buy each other perfumes, blenders, hair extensions and shoes.

You could also give each other a year’s gym subscription and girls, if you already have a man with a six-pack, buy him a lawnmower and one of those skimpy exercise vests and treat yourself to an all year round body viewing when he mows the lawn. Just make sure he does not employ someone to cut the grass — tell him it will save money if he does it. Men like saving money at home although they are quite willing to splurge on nonsense to please extra-marital love interests.

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