HomeOpinion & AnalysisLetter to my people: Launchmore learnt nothing and forgot nothing

Letter to my people: Launchmore learnt nothing and forgot nothing

BY DOCTOR STOP IT

MY DEAR PEOPLE,

Phew! Where to even start. The last week was a hectic one. I am confused by what’s going on in this country.

I think I need a little break to go to Singapore and Dubai for shopping, because, yoh, I need some retail therapy.

Let’s start with Dougie. You see, Dougie, with the help of Launchmore, has come up with a term called “rational disputation”.

My people, never mind what that means, it’s just a load of hot air to make Dougie sound sophisticated.

The idea behind rational disputation is that Dougie won’t be confrontational to Zanu PF like Nero.

In fact, Dougie is literally not in opposition to Zanu PF because they are in bed together in an effort to destroy Nero.

So from being the preacher of peace, imagine my horror when I saw his supporters descend on the scrawny Mashumba, who was threatening to spill the beans about Dougie’s alleged corruption.

At that very moment, the ethos of rational disputation was immediately forgotten, as Dougie’s supporters, led by an MP, Yvonne Musarurwa turned Mashumba into a hapless punching bag.

In fact, some of the moves on Mashumba would have left John Cena green with envy.

But Dougie’s people were not done, with Mashumba gone and nowhere to expend their energy, they then turned their fury onto desks, tables and chairs at the Media Centre.

So much for the politics of rational disputation.

Dougie’s politics of rational disputation is only reserved for Zanu PF it seems.

Plain folks appeal

The Good Book has a verse that says “let the children come to me” or something to that effect.

Look Baba was the Catholic, me not so much, so these verses confuse me.

Anyway, whoever wrote that verse did not have Launchmore in mind.

Launchmore, as usual, was back in campaign mode and tried to take a picture with a young boy.

The young boy would have none of it and screamed, dragging himself from Launchmore, who seemed only interested in carrying the boy.

The previous week, he seemed to reach out to a young boy from his car, but the lad paid Launchmore no mind, looking aside and keeping his hands in his pockets.

So Launchmore decided to go one better and he alighted from his car and identified a young boy to hug.

But, just like most Zimbabweans, the young man would have nothing to do with Launchmore’s overtures and instead wailed to be let go.

Nero on the other hand seems to be having it easy with kids and someone in Launchmore’s camp, probably the out of depth Ndavaningi or the pointless Jamwanda, advised their principal to endear himself to kids.

Gentlemen, it’s not working, let it go, abeg.

By the way, who takes those pictures and shares them on social media?

That person, like all of us, really does not like Launchmore. It reminds me of Baba Jukwa.

Busting sanctions

One of the least calculated decisions that Baba made was to invite a UN special rapporteur after Operation Murambatsvina.

It was really unnecessary, but in hindsight, Baba thought Anna Tibaijuka was going to absolve him of all the accusations of human rights violations that Zimbabwe was facing then.

Tibaijuka went on to write a nasty report and Zimbabwe was confined into a pariah status.

But Launchmore is not very clever and did not learn anything from Baba’s mistakes.

Last year, Launchmore invited Clément Nyaletsossi Voule, who was meant to cleanse Zimbabwe’s image, but it failed.

Now Launchmore Alena Douhan, another United Nations rapporteur to come and assess the impact of sanctions on the country.

Clearly, Launchmore learnt nothing and forgot nothing from Baba’s 37 years in power.

Douhan’s schedule is carefully managed and she will spend her time jumping from one government office to another.

I am just curious what her preliminary report is going to be.

But in fairness, she should have met a wide cross section of people and not the government and Zanu PF mandarins.

And for good measure, maybe she should also have met the owner of the country, Queen Bee.

My message to Douhan is that Zanu PF’s actions have destroyed Zimbabwe more than sanctions are capable of.

Plot to assassinate Nero

Nero alleges that Zanu PF people wanted to kill him and shot at his car.

Amateur forensic scientists, whose only knowledge of forensics is a flitting glance of the TV Show CSI, soon went to work and they told us that in fact, the holes in Nero’s car were not from gunshots but a chisel and a hammer.

My dear people, whatever the question, when Zanu PF is accused of anything, they are actually guilty of it and you have no business defending them.

A few years ago, we thought Dzamara was a prima donna looking for publicity, but he is still to be accounted for half a decade later.

Even Gukurahundi, they denied it ever happened.

They deny everything and you spend all your time arguing and debating pointless things.

Have they ever accepted that they are responsible for any political violence?

Yet you want to pretend to be forensic scientists.

 Stop It!!!!!!

Munopengaaaaaaa

Dr Amai Stop it! PhD (FAKE)

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