HomeOpinion & AnalysisThe fiddler: The unhelpful Mr Google

The fiddler: The unhelpful Mr Google

By The Fiddler

Dull is a village in Perth and Kinross, Scotland. It is paired with Boring, Oregon, USA. The town of Bland, New South Wales, Australia, is also a member of the League of Extraordinary Communities established by Boring and Dull in 2013.

It is enough to drive me even more insane than I am normally. I really can’t take it anymore. I have, therefore, decided to avoid a complete systems’ breakdown by responding in the future to all trivial and boring questions repeatedly posed by cyber idiots with the sort of answers they fully deserve. Thus, as the Bard would say, there is method in my madness.



Question: Is the earth round or flat?

Answer: Only a complete moron would not know the answer. Where did you go to school? Was it the Harare Flat Earth School for Advanced Students?

Question: Why does God allow people to suffer?

Answer: People like you provide a ready answer to this question.

Question: How many sheep do I have to count in order to fall asleep?

Answer: When you fall asleep, you will find out.

Question: How do I get from 20 George Street to the Meikles Hotel?

Answer: Get in your car and drive there or if there is a roadblock, walk there.

Question: Where is the Taj Mahal?

Answer: Where it’s always been.

Question: What is the value of a Zimbabwe dollar?

Answer: Not a lot.

Question: When is an election free and fair?

Answer: When the right contestant wins.

Question: Is it a crime to shoot someone?

Answer: Try it and you will find out.

Question: What is meant by ‘The rule of law’?

Answer: Regrettably, law cannot rule as it is disqualified from standing for election.

Question: What colour is emerald?

Answer: It depends upon whether it is daytime or nighttime.

Question: How long is a piece of string?

Answer: Why don’t you measure it, you fool?

Question: Have I a right to die?

Answer: In your case it is a duty not a right.

Question: Is there a hell?

Answer: You are a living example that there is.

Question: How do you tell when a person is brain dead?

Answer: Just look in the mirror.

Question: How do I find a marriage partner on line?

Answer: Go to Romance for Losers.com and post your particulars in the box labelled “Fat chance.”

It was quite such a relief to Mr Unhelpful Google that when he was browsing the web he discovered a site specially designed for dull people. In the future he would be able to fob off the inane inquirer by referring him to this excellent site. The site only caters for males, presumably under the belief that only men are boring or that it is far too dangerous to suggest that women can be boring. The site is to be found at:

https://www.dullmensclub.com/archive/home.html\



You can join this club for free and can exchange information with other boring people on how to excel at being boring. If you qualify in this skill, you can obtain, again free of charge, a certificate to prove your expertise.

The site allows you to exchange dull jokes, inform others on the most suitable activities for boring people and lists events catering for dull people. Recommended activities include, watching grass grow, counting how many times a luggage carousels goes round in an hour, attending a parliamentary session and running with snails.

I also found on the web this useful item:

In 1959, legal history was made when an Australian worker won damages from his Melbourne employers because he dislocated his jaw while yawning at work. The court decided that the damages caused by yawning was an industrial injury. The reason for this ruling was that the man’s job was so monotonous that he couldn’t help yawning. The Underwriters’ Council of Melbourne agreed in future they would pay full benefits to anyone who was injured through yawning at work.

When you are bored instead of being boring, an avenue to explore is to find out what are the most weird web sites on the Internet. You could start with this one,

Patience-Is-a-Virtue.org

This worthy website never completes the loading process but it keeps giving you messages thanking you for your patience and telling you that it is about to load. This is only for people who don’t mind wasting their expensive web time.

And then there is this one,

http://111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111.com/

(Don’t worry my prudish Editor. I visited this website to ensure that it was not a naughty website.)

Finally, there is this one whose title speaks for itself.

https://theuselessweb.com/

I leave you, my one and only dear reader, with this profound thought. You know that you’re a really boring person when someone steals your identity and then tries to give it back. Similarly one cruel but accurate person was heard to say, “You must be really bored if you actually read the Fiddler.”

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